Wasted Time
by Pixieblade
Summary: After the bridge scene: a little alcohol and a little confession.


Kato-za FTW!!!

**Wasted Time**

58/PG13

After the bridge scene.

AN: Ginnyvos and I were playing around and came up with this. Enjoy the angst!

He was wasted. So. Fucking. Wasted and it was Hakkai's fault. All Hakkai's fault. With his stupid future and stupid wife and stupi….stuff. Yeah. He was so wasted that the idea of how wasted he was, was fucking funny. Which might explain why he was giggling like a little girl. Huh. Would go a long way in explaining why he was leaning against some guy's shoulder. Unless he'd turned into a girl.

He groped at his chest. No boobs. Good. So why was he leaning against a shoulder again? A comfy... Nice... Strong... Guyshoulder. He giggled again. Guyshoulder. That was a funny guy. Word. Thingy. "Word!"

"What'sa word?" the other guy asked, leaning a little closer.

"'s a funny word. Guyshoulder." Gojyo giggles again. "Real funny!" His words sounded odd. Like he couldn't talk anymore, but that was stupid. Real stupid.

He was almost sitting in the guy's lap now, but he didn't really mind. It was all kind of fuzzy anyway and it was nice to be able to lean against someone. The barstool had started moving a while ago, and it was still moving, making him kinda nauseous, like on a ship kinda thingy.

He leaned into the guy and grabbed his arm to steady himself, because the damn stool was still moving and now the guy was moving as well and and and and and fuck they were close and getting closer, closer, closer, hit.

Gojyo's mouth was on autopilot as he reacted the way it always did when a mouth landed on him and it was kinda nice, kinda like… like… Like kissing a girl or something. He kissed pretty good, the guy did.

***

Hakkai toed the ground outside the bar a few times, kicking at the scattered cigarette butts in distaste, his fingers twitching against his side. After their chat he'd stood looking out over the lazy river long enough for the chill to set deep into his bones and Gojyo to get fed up with his pity fest. He knew it wasn't the hanyou's fault that he felt this way, but the abandonment, even in something as stupid as this made that hollow spot in his chest ache just a bit more. Of course it had been his mouth that uttered the final line, "Why don't you head on back first, I just need some time to think for a bit." He shook his head ruefully now at the insensitivity of it. Gojyo was the most loyal and caring friend he'd ever had and to send him away like that had probably struck a bit too close to home for his friend's tastes.

It was that twinge of guilt that had finally spurred him to push off the crumbling stone bridge and search for the red-head all the way to the red-light district...the Lotus Bar with it's horribly garish bright red lantern lights hanging out front and it's scantily dressed young people serving drinks. Both nubile young males and women worked the tables while a stone faced older man tended the bar. It could have been any other bar they'd stopped in on their journey, but this town was large enough and prosperous enough to support even this type of establishment. Hakkai wrinkled his nose as an upper level landing door was opened and the smells of sex and alcohol mingled disdainfully. A quick step inside had shown him more than enough. He'd found the casual slouch of his friend easily enough at the bar, the brilliant flash of red was like a beacon after all, he'd even expected it, Gojyo upset meant booze and sex, he did not however expect him to be chatting so closely with a perfect stranger.

He'd gotten a few more steps in before he saw the shift from talking to touching and he did not, thank you very much, need to see any more than that fist swipe of Gojyo's tongue on the other guys' lips to know where this was going. At the same time he couldn't turn away, not with Gojyo swaying like that.

Gathering his nerves and rather vehemently trampling down the dark swirl of possessive thoughts the initial sight gave him, he kicked the last little pebble away from the entrance and stomped back into the building; eyes dark and narrowed behind his monocle. He stopped only when he was close enough to feel the two's body heat. He plastered on the fake smile, not really caring for once at the excessive way the edges seemed to chip under his fierce control and coughed politely.

"I'll take a hot sake, please." He said to the bartender, but his eyes were glued to the back of Gojyo's skull, his fingers clenched into bright white nubs at his side.

***

At first, the voice didn't break through the fog in Gojyo's mind at all, lost as he was in his own mind, the alcohol and the kiss. Slowly though, the realization that Hakkai was standing there, Hakkai was watching him kiss a guy, that he was kissing a guy dawned on him.

Gojyo did fall off his stool then, collapsing in hysteric giggles at Hakkai's feet and the dumb look on the guy's face, and he'd been kissing a guy and Hakkai was watching and Hakkai wanted an indestructible wife and Hakkai was there and... Fuck. He stared up at the ceiling and at Hakkai, giggles leaving him in an instant.

***

Hakkai purposefully pushed his left hand between Gojyo and the other man to drop the change for the drink onto the bar. The five small coins clinking loudly onto the sticky wet surface. Fingers clutching at the small porcelain glass stonily. He tipped it back in one fluid twist of his fingers before placing it back on the counter. Turning fractionally towards the 'random stranger', and that thought about pushed him over into youkai murderous intent zone too easily in his mind, he gazed at the man with the coldest, most calculated look he had in his arsenal. Never noticing that his lip had curled up into a snarl or that his free hand was clenched so tightly as to draw thin drops of blood from his palm, the nails biting into the soft flesh.

"Thank you." he managed icily towards the bartender, but the pitch and intonation of the comment was leveled squarely at 'the guy' as he stepped in the small space Gojyo's retreat had left between them. His stance brooked no argument from the other patron: he was not going to leave.

Hakkai reigned in his temper. It wasn't any of his business what Gojyo did with random, probably _diseased_, members of society. Just an hour ago he'd been shooting off at the mouth about wives that couldn't die and beautiful daughters…

He sighed. And that was the problem, wasn't it? He'd opened his mouth, again, and inserted his foot so far he'd tasted their cottony laces. He was an idiot, always couching hidden meanings in nonsensical ramblings that insisted on propriety in their every form. Right down to making Gojyo a part of his domestic bliss without stating upfront what he really meant by them still being together after all those years. Because, quiet frankly, saying those words out loud would give birth to something he wasn't sure he could cope with: a change in their relationship.

At first he logically thought that these strange new feelings were a result of his almost death at Gojyo's feet, but as they lived together he realized he'd become so dependant on the red-head's presence and emotional support that he really couldn't think of ever being somewhere else.

But after that long, after all the late night talks and countless women, he'd decided there was no way Gojyo'd ever return the feelings honestly. He might give in and let Hakkai have him physically, he was too generous like that, but he'd forever hold part of himself apart. Hakkai didn't want pity sex or a relationship built on it. So he shut his mouth and grit his teeth and held himself back behind fake smiles that just seemed to get more and more brittle as they moved west.

Until Kami-sama.

The thought of Gojyo turning from him terrified him more than Kanan's death ever had and though he knew, had known, what all those dark swirly thoughts and feelings meant, he couldn't bring himself to say them out loud.

He stopped at that, and like the head case he was, tried to dissect what that meant to him. It wasn't that Gojyo's leaving him would be harder than Kanan's death, but that by leaving him (alive) it meant that this time his pain and anguish would have been as self inflicting as when he ripped out his own eye. He'd have done this to himself. No dead youkai to pass the buck to.

The thought sobered him. He lost the stormy, chipped edge to his glare as his face slackened into its normal, fake smile. His heart remained cold though and when he finally looked back at Gojyo it was with dead, defeated eyes.

"Sorry for interrupting. I'll be heading back to the inn then." He murmured softly, an apologetic wistfulness in his voice that he couldn't quite quash.

***

It took a moment to realize Hakkai was walking away from me, again. Fuck that. Yeah, getting to my feet wasn't exactly graceful, hey,_ I_ didn't put the bar stool there. But eventually, and a few spilled drinks later, I managed to get a hold of his sleeve. It wasn't pretty. Part of that delicate knot work came undone under my scrambling, and that one corner of silk and linen will never be flat again, but I managed to get his attention; mainly because we toppled over and I landed on top of him between one of those corner booths and the wall.

Which hurt. A lot.

"Gojyo…" he weezed in my ear, and damn if even that didn't make my stomach clench and roll.

"Gojyo…get. Off. Me." He stared off to the side of my ear, like he couldn't meet my eyes. It pissed me off and made me feel dirty at the same time. Spitefully I slammed my hands on either side of his head and forced him to look at me, all traces of alcohol burned away under my frustration.

"Dammit, Hakkai!" I spat, furious at my best friend.

He seemed to wither under my glare, pulling in upon himself, his hands coming up to clutch at his own shoulders like he was trying not to lose it.

"Please." He whispered, and damn if I didn't feel like a thousand different kinds of shit at making him say it like that.

"No." I whispered, the fire burning out of me. I gently stroked the side of his cheek, needing to feel him, hating myself for doing this to him, but needing it to end. One way or another.

"No, 'Kai. We need to figure this out, here, now, because I can't keep going on like this."

Dark, pain filled forested eyes peered up at me through a messy fringe of mink dark hair. "Gojyo…"

"'Kai. Just…no one out there is indestructible. Not me, not you, no one. But we've been through this before. I'm not going anywhere and…it feels right, us, like this. It feels right and I'm a complete ass for not figuring it out sooner, but…please 'Kai, just give me a chance. Please."

***

From the sound of it that last _please_ had cost Gojyo dearly. Sitting there, well alright, _laying_ there trapped under the wiry length of his partner Hakkai realized what had really set him off. He wanted Gojyo, told himself he couldn't have him, and then had dared to get mad when his friend had found someone else. A replacement. For him. Just like everyone else always had.

Oh sure, it wasn't the most logical assessment. It wasn't even strictly accurate, Kanan hadn't asked to be raped, but her suicide had been her own choice. She'd left him, like their parents before her. Everyone left, even Gojyo. That's what had made him mad, when the anguish had worn off and he tried looking deeper. He left, he said he wouldn't and he did; how could he trust him after this?

"You will." He whispered faintly.

"Will what?" leave it to Gojyo to miss a step.

"Leave. Again. I don't have the right…don't deserve…" that's as far as he got, between choking on some indescribable emotion that felt a lot like heartache and the shock of suddenly having his mouth all filled up with the taste and smell and _feel_ of Gojyo pressing against him, his tongue swiping hotly up and down his teeth as he gasped and groaned into Gojyo's mouth.

"Hakkai," Gojyo panted against the side of his mouth, "Hakkai you idiot. I didn't want you to come with me because I couldn't stand it if you died too. Better for you to find that indestructible wife than be stuck with my sorry ass for the rest of our inhuman lives, but! I'm telling you this right now; having me hitting on your daughters is just creepy. Especially when I'd much rather be hitting on you any day. Now get up off your ass and let's get out of here."

Hakkai blinked a couple of times, fingers hanging in the air between then, just barely ghosting over the twin scars before falling back to the floor. He sighed, that soft, resigned sigh he has for when Gojyo dunks his cigarette butts in mostly empty beer bottles and smiles tenderly.

"Very well, Gojyo. Help me up, won't you?"

The smile that splits Gojyo's face is almost too bright, too happy, and entirely too sober, but Hakkai thinks this is alright. For tonight this much is alright. He's sure there will be other bridges in the journey and that other words will be spoken, other lies and half-truths and hidden meanings will be brought out into the open. For now it is enough that Gojyo's arm is hung over his shoulder, his fingers twisted up in his sash and his hip warm and strong against his side.

It is enough that nothing in this new life of theirs is wasted. From here on he will try and live his life without regrets. He plans to start as soon as they get back to the inn and their little room with its two small beds that, if he calculates correctly, once pushed together should be about as big as their bed at home.

"Huh." Hakkai pauses for a second and looks over the water at the rising moon.

"What's up, 'Kai?" Gojyo's breath is warm and soft like velvet on the back of his ear.

"Nothing. I just realized how stupid I'd been." And he smiles a little, shy smile at the realization that they'd been sleeping together for years, if not having sex.

"Yeah? Happens to the best of us, 'Kai. Just try not to do it again." Gojyo leans heavily against him, lining up every bone in the body and he shivers at the heat it produces.

"I'll try, Gojyo. I'll try."

Gojyo merely smiles.

~Fin.


End file.
